Ice Cream Paint Job: The Ben & Jerry's Factory, Waterbury, VT

There is no doubt in my mind that ice cream is the most perfect food with the ability to bring nations together and heal gaping wounds. Pizza is the only thing that comes close, but it is not a dessert, which immediately bumps it to the number two spot.

One of the biggest things to do in Vermont, besides drive a Subaru and wear pants that zip off at the knee, is go to the Ben & Jerry’s factory. It is a brightly-colored, ice-cream-themed paradise, with just the right amount of altruism thrown in the mix. Ben and Jerry’s really is a high-minded company that you can feel good throwing your money at, supporting their positive ideals while enjoying a scoop of Chubby Hubby. It’s a win-win for everyone, unless you suffer a lactose allergy, which in case you really lose.

Ben & Jerry's ice cream truck > all other food trucks.

The tour was super fast, no doubt because our peppy, teenage guide was hopped up on his seventh daily serving of Phish Food. The factory is impeccable and everything moves so quickly. It’s a wonder no one ever opened their pint, anticipating creamy vanilla ice cream and chunks of cookie dough, only to find sawdust and pieces of metal.

The best part of the Ben & Jerry’s factory tour, besides the free sample at the end, is the flavor graveyard. Every time the company retires a flavor because it was hated by the public or became too expensive to manufacture, it is interred in a plot for loved ones to mourn. We paid our respects to flavors past and decided to share our thoughts about which ones probably should have been resuscitated.

A.A.: Let's be real here. Pistachios are not nuts. They are not nuts because they do not taste like wood or dirt. That being said, I probably wouldn’t take Holy Cannoli ice cream, which is already heavy, and fill it with nuts. Let cannoli be incredible all on its own! They did recently resurrect a version of cannoli ice cream sans nuts, so I’ll quit complaining.

A.D.: Wait - ricotta flavored ice cream and pistachio flavored ice cream? With pistachios in the ice cream...that's too much. Take out the pistachio ice cream, throw in some orange zest and we'll talk. That said, my dad would love this.

A.A.: I don't really understand sweet cream ice cream. Isn't it just vanilla? I blame Coldstone Creamery. Regardless, I would go for this, especially because of the fudge dinosaurs.

A.D.: This is chocolate lover's ice cream, only the ice cream isn't chocolate. If I were needing a serious chocolate fix, I want to go all out, none of this wimpy "sweet cream" bullshit.

A.A.: This guy deserves his own ice cream flavor. He is the real deal, unlike other hippie activists who sold out in 1972 and now work for Fortune 500 companies. That being said, this might not have been the flavor combination I designated for such a figure. Nuts are austere. Wavy Gravy is rainbow sherbet with flecks of weed mixed in. Also, Brazil nuts are expensive, which is why I think they discontinued this nut-filled flavor.

A.D.: Yeah, when I think of the King Hippie from Woodstock, I can't imagine his ice cream flavor being nuts, caramel, and fudge. And Brazil nuts taste like tree bark - the Hell with that!

And yes please to the rainbow sherbet with flecks of weed mixed in!

A.A.: I would eat the shit out of this. Whiskey in ice cream? Yes, please. I can see how this might upset the teetotalers, even though there’s probably more alcohol in children’s cough medicine than in this.

A.D.: Whiskey, with milk and sugar? Sounds like one of the worst ways to get drunk, but at least your vomit will be cold and creamy. This simply suffers from having too many ingredients - coffee and whiskey? Good. Coffee and Amaretto? Good. Coffee and almonds? Well, I guess. Coffee with Amaretto, whiskey, and almonds - but no fudge swirl? Nah, I'm good.

A.A.: Why did this one have to die? Its such a beloved flavor combination. Cashews are another nut, like pistachios, that is not a nut. Again, no suckage. Rise, Turtle Soup, rise.

A.D.: Do you think Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan could throw their endorsement behind this? It sounds great.

A.A.: This one sounds delicious, like John Cleese in a dress. Coffee liqueur, fudge, and cookies. Might as well be called Breakfast of Champions.

A.D.: This sounds like a good flavor, and yes, it definitely sounds like a typical Saturday morning breakfast for us in our Crescent Street days, but what's the Python connection? The cows from Holy Grail? They should have gone crazy and done something like "Norwegian Blue Parrot Droppings," "Spanish Inquisition Velvet," or, fuck it, Spam.

A.A.: If a Ben & Jerry’s chipwich can die, nothing is safe. I used to eat these things of the beach when I was a kid and dip them in sand for extra texture. I was a weird kid.

A.D.: This flavor just sounds boring. Just go buy a damn chipwich.

A.A.: I am sensing a trend. I do not think America likes nuts. I think at one point in time, nuts on ice cream were really popular, but now we just want things like bacon and Twinkies and straight up Crisco in our ice cream.

A.D.: Nuts are also stupid expensive. But seriously, this is the third flavor with pistachios and almonds together - did Ben & Jerry accidentally purchase a warehouse filled with pistachios and almonds that they needed to offload on an unsuspecting public?

A.A.: This one just sounds ridiculously expensive to make. Brazil nut butter AND macadamia nuts? $$$.

A.D.: It also just doesn't sound good.

A.A.: Because no one is going to bother with cookie dough ice cream that only has half the fat. Silly.

A.D.: But think of the probiotics! They keep you regular!

A.A.: This flavor was designed for girls who just got dumped. Too sad. They should have just hidden a tiny bottle of merlot at the bottom like a prize in your cereal box. That might have sold better.

A.D.: Ah, but there are two mistakes here - using Low Fat ice cream (D.B.A.P.)* and the inclusion of white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate - it is sugary wax.

A.A.: This one just does not sound good. Caramel and plum? That sounds like bad fruitcake that your relatives who hate you mail at Christmastime that you take one bite of before giving to your dog.

A.D.: Or my dad would quietly finish it sometime around January 15th. This has his name written all over it.

A.A.: Boring. A boring nut in a boring flavor of ice cream. Even being covered in chocolate could not save poor Ethan. RIP.

A.D.: Zzzzzzzzzzz............

A.A.: As much as I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I cannot get behind peanut butter and jelly flavored things. If I want that flavor, I will make myself a sandwich, and that will be that.

A.D.: This is overkill. Now, Fluffernutter ice cream I could get behind.

A.A.: This one sounds good! Non-offensive and interesting enough to keep my attention through an entire carton. Can we bring this one back?

A.D.: White chocolate again? D.B.A.P., Altman.

A.A.: A good idea that was executed terribly. Why was this not sweet potato ice cream with marshmallow and cinnamon swirls and graham cracker pieces? That would have been awesome! Someone call B&J. Tell them they did this one wrong. They can pay me later.

A.D.: Ginger ice cream with a fudge swirl? That's not right at all. How about sweet potato flavored ice cream, for a start? It should also come with a flavor packet of either turkey drippings, gravy, or green bean juice that you can pour on top so it tastes like a chaotic Thanksgiving platter.

A.A.: Woa. I had to read the description of this one twice. Too much going on here. Pick an idea, dudes.

A.D.: Stopped reading it halfway through.

A.A.: I swear the last time I went to buy ice cream, they had this one in the store. What happened? It was good, guys!

A.D.: That was also at the Astoria Food-Hole, which had foodstuffs dating back to the Bush Administration. This flavor rocked, but I guess it's just too hoity-toity for Joe Six Pack. And by hoity-toity, I mean French. These colors don't run!

A.A.: I think that Brazil nut butter is a death sentence. 

A.D.: Never mind that it probably just tastes like sawdust in gel form.

A.A.: This sounds just ok. Not great, but not something that makes me want to burn off my taste buds either. They don't often do a strawberry ice cream, so I would have given this a fair try.

A.D.: They should do another British flavor. This is not British - this isn't even what Americans think British ice cream might taste like. How about Earl Grey ice cream? Or - hear me out - something...Monty Python-themed?

A.A.: I never really crave the taste of pear. It is kind of dull and mealy. I do not think I would like it in ice cream form. The almonds and fudge do nothing to entice me either.

A.D.: Again with the god-damned almonds! Give it a rest, Ben and Jerry - WE DON'T LIKE ALMONDS! This would have been a lot better - potentially, at least - if it had a ginger and/or raspberry swirl.

A.A.: Again, so benign! Peanut butter and fudge. How did people not love this!

A.D.: The name probably frightened most white people.

A.A.: Another flavor that was poorly executed. It probably should have been more pie-like, instead of like a straight up fruit. Remember, healthy is a curse among ice cream.

A.D.: This got revamped into being a Willie Nelson-themed peach ice cream with pie crust and cinnamon. It's way better.

A.A.: The Dude would be so pissed to see his signature cocktail croaked in ice cream form. I don’t think America likes booze-flavored ice cream, or at least people who buy ice cream do not want alcohol anywhere near their dessert, which is surprising seeing as 30 percent of Americans are raging booze hounds.

A.D.: Ice cream and booze don't mix. If you think so, you are clearly underage, so hand over the bottle and we'll forget this ever happened. The flavor itself is coffee-on-coffee. Doesn't work - throw in some chocolate. (Or, hey, let's be really original here - how about some almonds?)

A.A.: Walnuts are an immediate deterrent for me. But an ice cream laden with expensive nuts does not sound supper economically savvy.

A.D.: 

A.A.: Why did it have to be a sorbet? This probably could have worked otherwise.

A.D.: Something for the lactose-intolerant crowd? Chocolate doesn't work in sorbet form. Also, what is "light" chocolate?

A.A.: Why did this not survive? It sounds so good I want a bucket of it immediately! Cookie Dough is their best-selling ice cream. Are people prejudiced against peanut butter?

A.D.: They should resurrect this in Washington and Colorado, like, immediately.

A.A.: Whoopie pies themselves are ultra-regional and just ok. I can see how the exoticness of the whoopie pie and the sexual undertones behind the name might turn some people off.

A.D.: Or on.

A.A.: This one is just too all over the place. I can see it working better without the peanuts. Caramel corn ice cream is definitely something I would try.

A.D.: Ew. Just...ew.

A.A.: This is a sorbet that I can see working because its fruity and refreshing, how sorbet should be. My brother once ate 40 passionfruits in one sitting. I bet he would have liked this one.

A.D.: But it's not just passion fruit - it's "other natural flavors." Remember the Haagen-Dazs "Five" ice creams, the ones that boasted only five ingredients - one of their flavors was passion fruit, and it was amazing. It doesn't need to be sorbet, and it doesn't need to be mixed with berries and "other natural flavors." #DBAP

A.A.: I love blueberry anything, pie, beer, whatever. I totally would have eaten this. Frequently.

A.D.: If only this were still around.

*D.B.A.P.: Don't Be A Pussy.